Life's Questionable Moments
by xTMNTx
Summary: It's important for a sick turtle to know that the sickness isn't affecting himself only but those important around him as well... R&R!
1. Part I

_Disclaimer:__ No, I don't own the turtles yet… I have still failed reaching Nickelodeon and proposing an offer to them… I hope they'll agree with three blueberry pies and one can of Shredder's shredded cheese…_

_A/N:__ Uhhmmm… I think I'll explain everything at the end of the story x'D I don't want to spoil anything! So enjoy instead! :'D Oh, and a special thanks to that super cool guy with a mustache and a pink, flowery cape who read through this story and edited away all my adorable little grammar and spelling mistakes! The story became so much better! You already have my undying love so take a cake as well! :'D_

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><p><strong>Life's Questionable Moments<br>**_Part I_

**"Raph, I'm afraid you may have a brain tumor…"**

Raphael, the hot-tempered, red masked turtle stared at his genius brother in front of him, who looked at him with eyes so careful and scared, almost as if he was afraid Raphael would break into thousands pieces by his gaze. Raph, on the other hand, didn't seem to care. His brain was busy with repeating the sentence over and over again in his head.

Brain tumor…

He didn't like those two words together; no one likes words that can be connected with the word cancer. But he particularly didn't like it right now, because his brother just suggested that this fretful, damned sickness was implanted in his brain. His brain! He wanted to shake his head, to scream to his brother that he was wrong; he just had messed up the whole thing! It was only a headache, nothing more. Nothing like cancer, nothing so deadly, nothing so… scary.

Raph closed his eyes for a moment, trying to figure out where something went wrong. He's had a headache for a couple of weeks, now, and when he had told Donnie about how he had trouble forming words, his brother had admitted that his speech had sounded a bit slurred for the past week. But that was nothing bad, right? He had always talked a bit slurred, being the only brother who adopted a Brooklyn accent.

But then his brother wanted to perform a little test; _"Nothing dangerous"_ had he said. Of course Raph had trusted him, doing such a small and ridiculous thing as counting from 10 and back was nothing special. Raph hadn't noticed how he kept jumping over the number five, no matter how many times he counted out loud for Donnie. His brother had actually begged him the last time he did it to "do it right", not that Raph knew what he meant, since he wasn't registering the lost number.

After that the genius had done more tests, all too complicated for Raph to explain or name. He just know that it had ended up with his brother sitting in front of him with that look in his face, the look of being so scared and desperate, and spilling the news for his brother. The news of a bulk in his head that only grew, reaching out and grasping for Raph's most precious possession; his life.

"… I can't tell anything without further examination of course. It may be nothing serious as well but if I'm right then…"

Raph held up a hand to quiet Don down, and the purple masked turtle immediately responded to the gesture. There was a silence for a couple of seconds, when both of the turtles just listened closely to each others' breathing. Then the sick one managed to moister his lips with his tongue and looked over at his brother.

"H-how long?" He croaked out, breaking Don's heart by trying to suppress the frightening shivering in his voice, without succeeding. "How long do I have left? U-until I die?"

"I don't know." Don sighed and shook his head slightly, his eyes never leaving his brother.

He was scared, scared of what could happen within the next following seconds. Would he cramp, have a seizure? Or was the brain tumor only seconds away from taking his life? A shiver ran down the turtle's body, making him clench his fists in a try to remain calm and strong,

"It may not even be dangerous; it can just be a harmless tumor, no cancer. I can't tell anything without the right equipment… I would have to get a CT-x-ray and, after locating the tumor, I would have to- Raph!"

Raphael had suddenly moved from the chair with the speed only a ninja could achieve, dashing out from the lab. Just seconds later the door to the lair slammed shut as the turtle left their home.

"Don! What happened?" Leo's voice snapped Don's attention away as he and Mikey poked their heads into his lab, looking at their brother with confused expressions, "Raph seemed upset, what happened?"

Don looked at them, trying hard not to break down as he took a few, deep breaths. He gestured to the empty chair that Raph just until recently had been placed on,

"Can you get father? You may all want to sit down and listen to this…"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Raph ran… He didn't know where he should go; he just wanted to get away from the lab, from Don, Leo and Mikey, from their father, from the lair, from the cancer… He would outrun it, he would never let it catch him, he would never allow it.

A sudden pain in his chest almost made him choke and it took a while for him to realize he was crying. Hot, salty tears ran down his cheek and sobs escaped him between his breaths. He had never run from a fight before, no, it just wasn't him. He always stayed and fought until the end, or until Leo dragged him away. But now he didn't see any other choice than running, because how could he fight something as powerful as cancer?

"Get out of my head… get out of my head… get out of my head…" Raph started mumbling as he made his way through the tunnels of the sewer, his head throbbing in an angry headache that just kept reminding him of his situation, "I don't want you here, get out of my head!"

The cancer was going to rob him of his life, he was sure of it. Don may say that there's the chance of a harmless tumor, but Raph could hardly believe it. It was his old, always trustful turtle-luck playing a joke on him, an utterly frightening joke.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"C-cancer?" Mikey stared at Don with eyes that clearly spoke the disbelief he felt.

It had taken the purple masked turtle fifteen minutes to inform the rest of the family about the situation Raph was in. He explained in detail the process their brother's examination, and how he came to the conclusion that it was a brain tumor.

Just like Don had anticipated, no one seemed to buy it at first. But after a few minutes of taking in all the information, their faces had changed. Leo and Mikey stared at him with a look of utter shock, and Don had never seen his father so fragile before.

"Are you r-really sure?" The youngest one asked, leaning closer to Don as if begging him to tell them it was a joke.

"No…" Don sighed; his younger brother had taken it a lot worse than he had expected. He knew Raph and Mikey were close, they had always been so, but to see his younger brother with those large eyes that threatened to let tears stream down any minute, his body almost shivering, and not to mention the paleness that had crept over Mikey's face during these minutes, almost as if he was about to faint at any minute...It was a hard sight to see.

"I'm not sure, Mikey," Don went on, "I can't be sure until I can get a proper x-ray of him. But I can't really build a CT-x-ray machine; it's too complicated and needs parts that I can't find in the junkyard."

"Is there nothing else you can do, my son?" The old rat, who suddenly looked so very old, stared at his son. Don sighed again as he started to scratch his neck.

"The only option left is to do surgery blindly." Don shook his head and groaned, "It would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack, while it's dark! I can only guess the tumor's location, and then pray to god that it's there. And even if I chose to go in and remove the tumor, it's still critical. He would need radiotherapy, something I can't offer him, or cytotoxic. And I can't just give him any kind of cytotoxic: Different kinds of cancer respond to different medicine. And if I would be able to classify which kind of cancer it is, what kind of medicine he needs, that wouldn't help. Last I checked, they don't sell cytotoxic to anyone at the local pharmacy."

"Can't we just steal some? We're ninjas!"

"Mikey!" Leo looked at his younger brother sternly. Mikey started to twist and turn on his chair, but he looked determined.

"What, Leo? It's our brother: He may be dying! I'm not going to obey the code of the ninja if it's about life or death, I can tell you that!" Mikey crossed his arms but was sure not to look his father in the eye. But Splinter remained silent, his mind far off, distant eyes lost in concern for his sick son.

"I'm going to have to agree with Mikey here," Said Donatello, without realizing that his brother was now distracted with other thoughts "I don't want-"

Don was cut off in the middle of the sentence when Leo resurfaced from his thoughts with the subject that was bothering him; something that his genius brother had said only minutes before, "Wait a minute, Donatello! Earlier, when you were telling us about the surgery...You said 'If you chose to perform it'… You won't do surgery on him?"

Now it was Don's turn to twist and turn in his chair, as three pair of eyes pierced him, the leader's question managing to snap their father out of his thoughts.

"I… I don't know if I would dare to…" The purple masked turtle barely managed to get his words out. He spoke carefully, and he didn't dare to look anyone in the eyes, "I mean, this isn't like fixing a broken bone. I can even do surgery to take away small bone pieces, no problem. But we're talking about something completely different, here; we're talking about the brain."

He took a lasting breath before he looked up at his brothers and father, "The brain is a fragile thing, it's overfilled with nerves so just a slight cut—just a small nick in the wrong place—can completely change Raph. And who knows how our brains look, we were turtles from the start, but the mutation may have changed our brains into some kind of hybrid between a human brain and a turtle's brain. Which parts are still as a turtles and which are as a human? I… I… I could break him, I could make him loose his sight, or…I could kill him. It's a big risk, and I'm not educated in this kind of stuff!"

"Neither are you "educated" in fixing broken bones!" Leo responded, looking grimly at his younger brother. He let out a sigh that smoothed his features, and went on, "Look, Donnie, I know you're just scared. So were you the first time you fixed Mikey's broken arm; afraid it wouldn't heal properly. But you kept on researching, it did heal properly, and nowadays a broken arm is just another routine."

The leader shrugged his shoulders before he slowly leaned forward to put a hand on Don's shoulder, "Look, Donnie, I don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do. But it's our brother; are we just gonna let him die without trying anything?"

Don looked deeply into his brother's brown eyes before he slowly turned to face Mikey. His little brother was quiet, so quiet, and only stared at him with those big, blue eyes that practically screamed at him; "Please, don't let my brother die."

Lastly, the genius set his eyes on his father and it felt like the whole world suddenly landed on his shoulders. His father wore that neutral expression that tried to urge him to make this decision himself, but at the same time, Don could so plainly read the sadness in him, and the concern for Raph's wellbeing. Could Don really deny his father like this? Deny one of his sons the chance to live?

"O… Okay, I'll do it." He whispered, feeling the relief take place in his three family members. But the feeling never made it into his own heart…

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The stars looked down on him, from their places up in the dark sky. For some reason it felt like they were teasing him, telling him what beauty he was going to miss when death gripped his mind and dragged him away from this world. A small groan slipped through his lips as his head started to throb, and he closed his eyes for a second, only feeling the environment.

The cold, October wind made his bones shiver, and he could clearly hear the sound of the city around him as he laid on one of the roof-tops of Manhattan, the sound of the city's beating heart. Raph slowly opened his eyes again, looking up at the cloud-free sky, where a thousand stars glistened.

Beautiful, he had never thought of it before, but it was absolutely beautiful. It didn't matter that he had no idea where he was at the moment, that he had kept running and running until his legs gave way, but he felt at peace right now.

Cancer… Maybe this was what he deserved? A snicker slipped past his lips, he couldn't help it. After all, he had always thought Don would be the one ending up with a brain tumor, seeing how he was always around that computer, and all those gadgets that apparently let out dangerous radiation and fumes. Yet, here he is; a bulk in his head that may or may not bear the dangerous illness known as cancer.

Maybe it really was what he deserved.

"It took me ages to find ya!"

Raph tilted his head to his right to see Casey climb up the fire escape ladder, his smile wide and goofy, as always.

"Yo, Case…" Raph sighed and tilted his head back so he could face the starry sky above him, following a plane that moved over the dark area. He could feel Casey place himself next to him, and, too, turn his gaze up toward the stars.

"Sooo… Cancer uh?" The man's voice soon voiced the question that Raph knew would come; sooner or later everyone would know it. Raph only nodded slightly as an answer.

"Maybe, don't know that yet… Who told ya?" He asked, even though the question had a pretty obviously answer.

"Leo called, he told me to go and fetch ya." Casey answered, stretching out his arms high above his head to help the muscles relax, "He could have least told me where ya were, havin' that GPS tracker on your phone is much easier than ridin' around like a madman on the bike all over half the town." A laugh escaped the man's lips again, but Raph didn't respond to it more than another slight nod of his head.

"Why couldn't he fetch me? I bet he's freakin' out down in the lair."

"I guess he knows what ya need in the moment." Casey said. Raph snorted as an answer, "Raph, don't be like that. You know, this just doesn't affect you."

The turtle looked over quickly to Casey, silently asking what he meant, but the human continued talking without explanation, "I know I ain't a doctor or nuthin', but I'm sure everythin' will be alright. Don will sort things out! Everythin' will be fine!"

Raph tilted his head to his left to see Casey staring at him, his eyes strong, but a slight tone of worry and concern rested deep inside of them.

"We don't know that Case…" Raph sighed. He didn't even had the strength to get upset, anymore. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, tilting his head back to the face the stars, "Everyone will keep tellin' me everythin' will be fine, even I've started tellin' myself that. But I can't be sure… It may be freakin' cancer, and you just don't walk away from it without sufferin'. And we're turtles, it's not like I can walk into a hospital expecting 'em to take care of me...Even Donnie has his limits of what he can do and not do."

Raph trailed off and just stared at the stars, Casey following his example. After a minute of that silence, in which so many emotions were shared between the two friends, Raph took another breath,

"And even though I know all this stuff, I still don't wanna die. Weird?"

"Nope…" Said Casey. He reached out and laid a hand on Raph's head, "…'cause no one else wants you to die."

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"Raph!"

The turtle in question looked up as he entered the lair, seeing Leo come towards him with a worried look on his face. Behind him, Raph could see Mikey look over from his position on the couch, his blue eyes glued to the sight of his brother, and the red-masked turtle could so clearly read every emotion in him.

He had been gone for hours, he knew that, but being out with Casey felt like it was just what he had needed. They had just lied there on the roof for hours, talking about everything and nothing. When his headache had gotten worse, Casey had given him a ride home, and now he felt tired as he walked through the door. And, of course Leo was there, ready to nag on him.

"How are you feeling! Can we get you anything? Aspirin? Maybe you're hungry?"

"Leo…" Raph groaned loudly, which silenced the older turtle. "I'm fine; I just have a headache and I'm kind of tired, right now. Just some rest would be fine."

"Yes, of course." The leader said and nodded, "Of course… Just go and rest, don't worry Donnie will fix you up."

"Of course he will." Raph mumbled and rolled his eyes. Had the leader expected something else? Don was the only medic around here, the only one who could even try and fix this.

"I mean, he was unwilling at the start but-"

"What do you mean by unwilling?" Raph cut Leo off in the middle of his sentence by glancing at him with a confused look, furrowing his brows.

Leo sighed loudly and shrugged his shoulders, "You know how Don is; he's worried he'll do something wrong. I mean, I can understand where he's coming from, but I managed to talk him into changing his mind."

Raph wanted to loudly groan that, _"I'm sure you did,"_ but decided to be quiet, instead.

He suddenly realized what Casey had meant when he said that this didn't just affect him, but those around him, also. He hadn't thought about how Don may feel about this all, doing such a major surgery on his own brother. Raph knew Don, he knew how he always blamed himself for mistakes, and this was probably going to tear him apart...

"Raph?" The turtle hadn't realized he had spaced out until Leo worriedly called his name. Raph snapped up his head and nodded.

"Yeah, I understand. I'm going go and talk to him for a minute before I rest." Said Raph. Leo nodded as a response.

When Raph passed Mikey on the couch, he laid a hand on his little brother's head and smiled down on him, as if to say: _"Nothing to be scared of"_ before he passed him and walked into Don's lab, where he just hours earlier had found out about his sickness.

It felt wrong to step inside, and the recent memories quickly came back to him, but he shoved them down and found Don in his chair. The turtle was staring at the computer-screen in front of him, the light from the screen making him look almost deadly pale. On the monitor, two brains were displayed, covered with arrows that tagged names and explanations to the nerves. But Raph didn't give them a second glance. Instead, he coughed to get Don's attention and, as he had expected, the turtle turned around in his chair. When he saw his sick brother he almost immediately got up.

"Raph! Are you alright? Do you have a headache-?"

Raph had to yet again hold up a hand to get Don to quiet down before he answered his question.

"Yeah, I'm fine. The headache isn't worse than before...I'll take an aspirin and then head to bed, but I would like to talk to ya first." Raph nodded towards the chair and Don sat down. Raph took another chair and followed suit.

The hot-tempered turtle looked at his brother for a couple of seconds, as he tried to decide what to say, before he sighed and nodded to himself.

"Don…" He started. His brother tensed when he heard his name. A couple of more seconds that was spent in silence, before Raph finished the sentence, "… I don't want you to do an operation on me."

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><p><em><span>AN:__ Here's the explanation I owe you x'D_

_This plot-bunny attacked me this other day when I was thinking about how often, when it's about a turtle getting a brain tumor, Donnie is the one who gets it. I think it's because he's the medic, no one can help him remove it and so x'D Or that's my theory. But then I started wondering; IF another turtle got a brain tumor, would Don still be able to get it away? I mean, a surgery on the brain isn't just something you do down in the sewers really x'D It's a critical surgery. And would he do it with all the risks that are around the whole surgery? I wanted to write about it x'D _

_This story will be two chapters long, or parts as I name them 'cause I think of it more as parts than chapters x'D I already know what to write on the rest so it shouldn't be too long until the next chapter is up xD_

_Many things in this story will center on my and my family's experience when dad had a brain tumor. As the thing when Raph counted back from ten and missed the number five; that was what my dad did that made the doctor think he had a brain tumor (Even though he missed another number xD), as well that he slurred with his speech. I'm not a medical expert so excuse me if terms and such are wrong x'D _

_Now, feed this human with reviews so she can still this hunger! D: x'D _

_Oh yeah, that super cool guy with a mustache and a pink, flowery cape is my own fabulous and loving wife; Imatotalfreaksowat! All my love goes to you my girl; YOU ROCK MY SOCKS! :'D I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!_


	2. Part II

_Disclaimer:__ No, nothing has changed from the last chapter… I still don't own these freaking turtles! D':_

_A/N:__ Sorry for the long wait with the chapter… I mean, Christmas is over and all that, I really don't have anything to blame it on. Have drawn and studied instead of writing, which perhaps isn't soooo bad but still. It doesn't take too long to write a chapter, and since I have my wonderful editor (Still my wifu Imatotalfreaksowat) I don't have to be sooo worried about re-reading it 1000 times over and edit my mistakes. That's her job, not that she gets paid for it…_

_Anyhow, enjoy the last chapter! More explanation in the end! :'D_

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><p><strong>Life's Questionable Moments<br>**_Part II_

Donatello stared at his brother, wondering if the tumor had already taken sense of judgment from him. Had Raph really just said that? That he didn't want Don to perform the surgery that could save his life? The genius turtle had to shake his head before he finally managed to find the words to speak.

"What? You don't want me to operate on you? Are you mad? Raph you could die if I don't do anything!"

"I know!" Raph snorted. "Ya think I don't? Of course I know I can die, brainiac. But I also know that Leo was the one who pushed you to do this." Raph's eyes narrowed as he stared at his brother, waiting to see how Don would react to the blunt statement. As he had predicted, his brother's eyes widened and he shook his head furiously.

"No, of course he didn't!" Don said quickly, trying to defend Leo, "He didn't push me into this: I made the choice myself! I-I wouldn't just leave you to die, right?" The stutter in the genius's voice quickly gave him away. Raph rolled his eyes with a small grunt, something that made Don stop his rambling to furrow his brows, "What?"

"You're such a bad liar, you know that?" Raph sighed heavily and leaned forward on the chair, "I know he pushed you into this – don't interrupt me!" He warned as Don opened his mouth, "Ya can deny it as much as you want to, but I know our fearless leader as well as you do. Listen, Donnie: I don't want you to operate on me if you're gonna blame yourself if somethin' goes wrong."

Raph trailed off for a moment, but began speaking again before Don had the chance to open his mouth,

"I've thought about it a lot, and I know there's a chance that I might die...And I don't wanna go dying and then have to watch you blaming yourself for it! Death should be peaceful, right?" The genius nodded carefully, still not seeing where Raph were going with this conversation, "I know you just as well as I know Leo: We're brothers, for Pete's sake! And if ya don't feel confident about doin' this, if you're going to blame yourself if somethin' goes wrong, then I don't want ya to even touch me."

Silence fell between the brothers for endless moments before Don began speaking, his voice shaking slightly,

"It's just...it will be my fault… I will be the one holding the knife, I'll be the one trying to save your life." He whispered, looking at his brother with his brown eyes finally betraying the fear he hadn't shown to his father and brothers. Raph gave him a crooked smile but shook his head,

"Exactly Don: You'll be the one tryin' to save my life, not tryin' to kill me. You have to realize the difference."

"But if I don't succeed, you'll die! And it will be my fault, because I couldn't save you!" Desperation was making its way into Don's voice as he finished.

"No, it won't be your fault. It'll be your fault if you stuck the knife into my brain with the intention of killing me. Then it will be your fault when I die. But as long as your intention is to save me, if I die, it will be life's fault," Raph shrugged his shoulders with a slight sigh, "Or God's, or Fate's, or whoever rules this freakin' planet...What I'm tryin' to say is that I want be able to die without bein' afraid that someone's gonna be blamin' themselves. I don't even want Leo to blame himself, and that's a tall order to fill."

Don chuckled a bit, and Raph smiled, seeing revealed glimpses of the brother he knew and loved behind that mask of fear. He went on, "So, to sum it up, if you're goin' to bawl your eyes out, ignore everythin' I've said and, I dunno, kill yourself because ya feel that my death was your fault, then I don't want you to do so much as come near me with an operation knife, alright?"

Raph stared at his brother, trying to figure out what was going on in that big brain of his. Then he saw a little motion from his brother, and the silence was cut.

"I… I guess you're right." Don shrugged his shoulders with a small smile, "I-I'll do it, then. I want to operate on you...I want to give you every single chance of survival I can."

"Hell yeah you do!" Raph said and chuckled, "But without the blaming part, right?"

Don nodded, leaning back on the chair with a sigh, "Yeah, without the blaming part."

"That's my bro!" It was a relief for Raph to hear Don's promise, even though the hot-tempered turtle knew he had to keep an eye on his brother. Don had always been the kind of person who said one thing but, then changed his mind and did something different only moments later.

Raph got up from his chair, feeling his headache grow worse with the movement, "Now I'm off to bed, if ya need someone to punch some sense into you, ya know where to find me."

He moved for the exit, and could hear Don's sigh of relief as some of the weight was lifted from shoulders, if only a bit.

Raph closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to calm the inner turmoil he had been hiding. No, he would not accept death so easily, but he also refused to deny it if it reached up and grabbed him. For his father's sake, for Leo's sake, for Don's sake and for Mikey's sake, he would go without regret, he would pass with calmness, and a smile on his lips, knowing he had lived a life worth his weight in gold.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

2 years and 2 months later

The snow fell slowly over Manhattan; a white coat already covered most of the buildings and streets around New York City. Christmas was approaching fast, you could hear carols coming from every direction, and people were all happier now than they would be any other time of the year. It was truly a marvelous season, to see how a little snow, a tree, and some presents could change people so drastically. But Don couldn't find the spirit of Christmas within him; he didn't even know where to look for it. He just sat on one of the city roof-tops and stared at the light show that always came around during Christmas in Manhattan.

The cold had already gotten to the turtle, him being cold blooded, after all, but he didn't move an inch. He was just sitting there. Sitting, staring, and remembering… Remembering a day two years ago…

It had taken him nearly two months to prepare himself and Raph for the operation, two months of researching, experimenting, and putting together new gadgets that could help him during the procedure. He had barely left the lab to get sleep, and eat dinner. Only Raph could manage to get him away from the darkness and into the light, urging him to socialize a bit with his family, the ones he saw so rarely those days.

That was until one day, when Raph had his first cramp. Donatello could still remember the fear in him when he watched as Raph stopped dead in his tracks, his amber eyes filling with alarm and pain. Luckily, it had passed without inflicting any damage to Raph, but that was the last time Don took a break. He practically started living in his lab, only resting when his body shut down on him, his head using the keyboard as pillow. Everyone began worrying for Don, but not as much as they worried for Raph, who had three more cramps before the operation.

Then the day came, the day for the operation. It was a warm December day. Don could remember anything more than that. It was like a black out in his mind; he could only recall small fragments, like the smell of attempted sterilization, the sight of blood, and the feeling of cutting into something so important, so filled with life.

Of course it was a stupid idea of doing an operation in the sewers, Don always knew that. The sewer was impossible to ever get as clean as a hospital room, but he still did it. He had still done it, and he had found the tumor. He remembered thanking God afterward, thanking him for letting him find the tumor with only two-months-research worth of a guess leading his knife. He removed it and closed Raph up, then immediately hurried away to test the tumor.

It was cancer…

But it wasn't as bad as it it could have been: Don had given it a grade 2 out of 5 in severity, which meant Raph had a great chance of full recovery. The news had relieved Leo, Mikey, and their father, but not Donatello. The genius couldn't trust his own diagnose; he wasn't educated in this kind of thing, the diagnostic was only him guessing again. But Don didn't let the others see his uncertainty, instead he stayed near Raph's side, begging and praying that he would wake up. Begging that he hadn't messed up…

Don was suddenly taken away from his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He slowly glanced over his back, and his brown eyes met amber ones. Don gave up a small smile and nodded a bit to greet the red masked turtle.

"Hey, Raph." He said, his breath leaving a cloud of fog. Raph smiled and nodded as an answer before he sat down next to the genius, gazing at the city in front of them. "Leo told you where to find me, didn't he?" The purple masked turtle questioned. Raph nodded in response, and gave him a look that clearly said;

"_Did you really have to ask?"_

The silence… Don would probably never get used to it, the silence from Raph. It scared him to know that he was never going to hear that thick, heavy Brooklyn accent again. He could still remember how pained Raph had looked, right after he had woken up and tried to talk for the first time, only to find himself unable to form the words he wanted so badly to say. In the beginning, Don had just blamed the drugs.

But months soon passed and Raph slowly regained his strength, his tremendous power soon returned, but no words left his mouth. And he had accepted it, to everyone's surprise. Surely there were times where his face would be painted with signs of irritation and frustration, but he had never complained, or looked at Don with accusation and anger in his eyes...But Don hated that. He would rather have Raph blaming him, because right now he didn't know what Raph thought of him.

But if you oversaw Raph's muteness, the whole procedure had been a success, at least from what Don could remember. They had, after Raph had awoken, strayed from the path of ninja and used their skills to steal medicine for their brother. Even though they kept reminding themselves that it was for the sake of their brother, no one could deny the guilt that filled their chest. They were ninjas that fought for the people of this city, and yet they had robbed them. But to see Raph now, every movement and reflex as good as it was before the sickness, it left them all with a feeling of gratitude and reassurance.

Two years had passed and at their latest check-up everything was going fine, no new tumor of cancer within sight.

Don felt Raph's elbow nudge his arm, and he glanced over to his brother to see him staring with a questioning look on his face. The genius turtle sighed and shrugged his shoulders; it was still surprising to him how well they all could read Raph.

"I don't know what I'm thinking of." He admitted as he started to swing his legs, brushing off some snow from the roof-top, "I guess I'm remembering some old days." He could hear a weak grunt from Raph; one of the few sounds his brother still could make, "I know, I know… But I can't help it… I know what I promised you before the operation, but it's been hard..."

The genius blinked away the new tears from his eyes and pulled the scarf around his neck tighter; the cold was slicing down to his very bones. Another grunt from Raph made Don look over, to see a pressing expression on his brother's face. Donatello furrowed his brows and twisted his body to his right, so he could face the hot-headed turtle better.

"About not blaming myself, don't you remember?" Raph's face lightened up in remembrance, and he nodded for Donatello to continue, "I'm really happy that the operation went well, and that you're perfectly fine...your body, I mean. But, still… How can you keep looking at me like that, like I've done nothing wrong?"

The question made Raph shrug his shoulders nonchalantly, as if saying; _"I don't know what you're talking about." _That gesture made Don groan loudly and roll his eyes.

"You know what I'm talking about. I'm the reason to why you can't talk!" He almost shouted, having to take a moment to calm himself and control his guilt, "You can't talk, you can't form words, or sentences. You can't tell me how you feel without using a pen and paper, you can't even ask for something as simple as the remote, and it's my fault! I knew it was a stupid idea, I knew I would do something wrong. I should have known I was at the speech region of the brain, I should've known!"

Don didn't notice how calm Raph looked as he went off, blaming himself. His amber eyes regarded his brother with compassion and pity, Raph wanted to calm his brother with his voice, but it was impossible. Donatello continued to talk until he had emptied himself of all the feelings that dwelled inside. The genius finally calmed down enough to where he fell silent. Raph took that chance to put his hand on his brother's shoulder, trying to meet Don's gaze. But the turtle looked stubbornly away, refusing to look his brother in the eyes.

"Why… Why don't you blame me?" After time, Don looked up, finally looking into Raphael's eyes with desperation welled up behind them.

Raph let his hand slide from Don's shoulder and looked down at the concrete of the roof-top. His finger started to draw letters in the snow, letters that soon became a sentence. When he was done, Don stared at the sentence, and felt tears wet his eyes. He looked up at Raph, who was smiling at him, and unable to stop himself, the genius threw his arms around Raph, sobbing loudly.

As he cried, Don could feel Raph embracing him, comforting him without him being embarrassed. Maybe the operation changed more than one thing about Raph. Maybe it gave him the ability to show compassion in a different way; the only thing Don was glad for.

As the brothers held each other, a cold wind swept by, erasing the words in the snow;

BECAUSE I'M ALIVE

Raph was alive. He still could still fight the Foot with his brothers, he still could tease Mikey in his own, special way, he could still make sure Don got a proper meal when he was locked up in his lab, he could still train with Leo, and he could still be near his father. They hadn't lost a brother, and their father hadn't lost a son. Everything was going to be alright, and Don knew he didn't have to blame himself anymore… Because Raph didn't blame him for a thing.

* * *

><p><em><span>AN:__ Cheezy end is cheezy! 8D Yet again, to remind you all; I'M NOT EDUCATED IN MEDICINE! xD Everything is based on my own, personal experience with the disease and such x'D_

_I didn't really know how to end the story. In the beginning I had thought about killing Raph and letting his ghost visit Don to make him not blaming himself and so on, but it felt really cliché… I wanted to do something else! Instead I let him lived, but I didn't want him to get away completely unharmed by it… So I took away is speech :'D x'D I don't know if you can get mute by the operation, I guess so x'D But it's my story, anything can happen in it! D: x'D_

_My dad's tumor were a 3 out of 5, but then it got a 4 out of 5… So I guess I was pretty nice to Raph here x'D He also cramped, the first time in the hospital (LUCKILY) and the next time on my birthday. God… I still remember it… I have never seen him so scared before, he looked so terrified by it and so pained, I didn't know what to do… Anyhow… Dad didn't lose his speech after the operation, he lost his patience instead. And that was hard too. I mean, I was used to my dad never getting angry, he never raised his voice or so but after the operation he got angry for nothing! God, it was so frustrating, I know it wasn't my dad's fault but see it like this; You have known a person for 16 years and suddenly they change… It's not the easiest thing to deal with. Anyhow, I think Raph still is the same deep inside. It was actually funny to write about mute Raph x'D I dunno why, it really was fun! I guess I'm sadistic xD And Raph got to live instead; I can write about him dying since my father died of it, but the turtles isn't the same without Raph! :'D_

_I'm sorry for the lack of me on the site, in updating stories and such, but I have a perfect reason for that…. I'm here to chat! 8D x'D No, but since I started here I have gained some wonderful persons to chat with and it has made me wanting to chat more than write. I mean, I have found people who are exactly like me and I love chatting with them. It's sooo funny to chat with people and get to know them better. So therefore I don't write as much as before, I spend my time on fanfiction chatting x'D _

_Anyhow, thank you for reading the story, I appreciate it! And yet again thanks to you Imatotalfreaksowat; You know you suck but I love you anyway! :'D_


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